Winner Winner Chicken Dinner Sometimes you win, sometimes you lose, sometimes the asshole you play against either lucks out or straight up CHEATS! What is this football?? I am knee-ner… assho-ner… eye brows deep in football right now. I thought that fantasy football was supposed to teach me about other teams and players and such, but I’ve been watching a lot of non-Packers games on NFL Rewind lately and I don’t know what, from where, from who, to huh? For instance, do the Titans play all TEs or do they just purposefully draft the fattest wide receivers since the invention of the forward pass? The Titans wide receivers line up at the line of scrimmage lookin like Yoshi right after he eats one of those warp pipes, but right before he shits it out as an egg… Is it the BBQ? Come to think of it, Memphis style does come with a mountain of coleslaw.
1. Tony Snark The Ironic Man - I asked Kev if he wanted to write a portion of the #DCGB post this week and he responded “death”. Which I took as maybe. But then I didn’t hear from him again. Did you guys know that Kev is short for Killing Everyone Violently Because of Sandy?? It is.
2. Lambeau-Feel-Me-Up - um, can someone tell Thad’s twitter feed that the election ended last week? I guess he’s too busy not living in Manhattan to notice that Obama won the election eight days ago. Or maybe the Obama administration is so similar to Dubya’s, that liberals wake up every day thinking it’s the summer of 2006. Look outside Thad! It’s fall. Recognizable by the absence of a broiled blanket of burnt garbage in the air, or at least by hobos pissing themselves to stay warm.
3. Shadows Of Lambeau - Kyle’s had my number for over a month. Every Friday and Saturday night I brace myself for long tearful voicemails, panoramic dick pics, and/or an accidental mass text invite to an underground (literally) party in Jermichael Finley’s all male basement club called The Gimp. It’s yet to happen. I thought we were friends, Kyle.
4. Save Matt Flynn - Zac has graduated from late night tweets and diaper changing to stacking up Romney votes and fantasy football wins. It’s what us white males call: the d-r-eam.
5. Three Orange Whips - Let’s play a game
Culeaughk Kelly, we’ll all keep pretending you are a “doctor” even though your only credential is the Wal-Mart discounted game of Operation you bought your children last Valentines Day, and you promise to stop disparaging the Magic Man’s late game heroics on your twitter feed and pocket doppler posts.
6. Hell’s Kells - in light of recent internet rumors, Kelly is either an incredible liar, malicious jokester, or has whatever sense is polar opposite to gaydar. Start watching Bravo, Kelly!
Injuries We get that you have kids and a mortgage and more than a few girlies you gotta pay to visit you at away games, but don’t forget WE count on you for fantasy points.
- Oooooof. Concussions. Twenty years from now in Trivial Pursuit: Socialist America Edition, the answer to first NFL quarterback to lose two separate one hundred million dollar contracts will be Michael Vick. I don’t even think Alex Smith’s or Jay Cutler’s parents blocked time out for Sunday night to sit down and watch the 10-7 game we’re all destined to suffer through, but now that (likely) neither will play, it might be fun if the NFL can adopt our #DCGB scoring system for quartebacks in time for the Kaepernick-Campbell Bowl
- Steve Smith got pulled out of the game on Sunday because Ron Rivera mistook him for a kicker from a pop warner, 12 and under, league.
- uuuuuhhhhhh….. I wrote down Antonio Brown, but now I forgot 1) who he is and 2) what injury he suffered, which goes against my unwritten rules for the injury section. Oh well. Look it up yourself.
- Ben Rapemoreberger suffered a rib injury that, if aggravated, might kill him. I wish he would forsake his doctor’s advice and play with the injury. What an appropriate way for him to die: getting gang tackled by a man that outweighs him by a hundred pounds (or two men, let’s be honest) with his last earthly memory being the unforgiving dirt on a frozen Heinz Field and the forceful entry of a short, wide, greyish rib, penetrating his aorta.
Trades If I trade you my bench trash for your bench trash I’ll like, totally win, right?
- We got a trade offer via e-mail from Save Matt Flynn! The ass clown that always steals the players I claim on the waiver wire now wants to trade me those players for guys I spent good money on? The nerve of this man. Is this how you managed to avoid losing all month? I’m gonna start fixing this shit.
T-Shirts We aren’t playing for money and any pride we’d care to wager went away with the fact that we all met online. So the spoils of this league are t-shirts. Fourteen t-shirt ideas for teams placing first though fourteenth.
- “I suffered a significant concussion at #DCGB”
- “All I want for xmas is for this #DCGB shirt to get printed”
(kill me before I tell you a…)Funny Fantasy Story: You’re all listening to Dick’s Favorite Podcast, right? It’s on iTunes! And Soundcloud! And sometimes I embed it here on the website. Well, since you listen to it every week, you must remember the conversation I had with myself over CMIII’s effort during the course of the game. At first glance, I didn’t understand certain moves (or lack thereof) and kinda, sorta, called him out. I investigated the matter, and am happy to report that I am an idiot. What I learned, in brief:
- OLBs have four basic rushing techniques 1) the bull rush 2) the speed rush 3) cross-face 4) a hybrid of 3&4 (I think. Shit)
- OLBs don’t always rush for sacks, tackles, or even pressures. Sometimes they rush to contain. This explains some of those plays where Clay gets pushed outside and/or behind the ball carrier. In theory, he’s keeping that player in the pocket.
- OLBs switch these moves up all the time! Like a chess match, they switch speeds, bursts, and techniques based on the protection and the down and distance. Where you and I might think Clay is dogging it, he might in fact be setting his opponent up for a surprise move later on. This might explain some of those silly bull rushes that get zero push and seem to be a waste of effort.
Decisions Decisions Usually when I’m faced with a tough decision, I get drunk and put it off as long as possible. Move? Eh, flip a coin. Pay a parking ticket? Has it increased to $120 yet? But now that I’m a fantasy owner, procrastinating critical decisions comes with real life consequences. I’ve had two bye weeks in a row. Bye weeks are terrible. I’m going to make a serious change next year with the divisions and these silly bye weeks. It’s like I’ve been out of the game for a year. I feel like at least half of my roster has quit the league and retired to Florida since the last time I played. They all have little rocking chair icons next to their name in the ESPN fantasy roster. None of you shared any 50-50 struggles in your life from the past two weeks, and I haven’t had to make any football decisions, so allow me the liberty to battle your demons on your behalf.
- TSIM stands outside of his house every night, after the world has long retired to their beds, wearing nothing but a single soiled tube sock, holding a near-empty bottle of Evan Williams, a box of matches, struggling with the basement full of water logged Spider Man comics and wondering if, under special Sandy circumstance, the insurance will reimburse him for setting them ablaze.
- At the height of ironic ironies, Cobb Me Maybe returns to funemployed land after working a campaign under the umbrella of a national party that promised they would get americans back to work. Now in addition to tweeting everybody, everything, all day long, she has a resume to update. Hopefully employers consider getting drunk and ordering Little Ceasars while a herd of ninety year olds–two years her senior–cold call unsuspecting undecided voters, which, for this campaign anyway, was pollster speak for the racially and religiously reticent, hireable work experience.
- Happy Steve Irwin Day The Big G!!! I know what you’re thinking. Should you call in sick and spend the day dry humping a crocodile, dive into the great barrier reef and find a sting ray to masturbate, or project inappropriate ambitions on your three year old daughter?? What a conundrum. Where’s a three sided coin when you need one? Amiright? Judging by this video, to truly honor the man on this holiest of days, maybe just spending it wearing women’s shorts and falling down a lot.
Brutal Benchings We all know our way around a baseball diamond, or a school gymnasium pretty well. Some more than others. And some (also see: most) of our memories of said venue is obstructed by a chain link fence, or the painful reminder of a poorly cushioned folding chair. We always knew we could contribute, if only given a chance. Then when that chance never came, we spent the rest of our lives sadistically taking our anger out on runts and primadonnas. We may “own” these teams, but our starting line-ups are slaves to the emotional abuse our hearts bear from unfulfilled athletic achievements. It’s not our fault; blame the world’s Little League coaches.
- Wow! What a terrible loss Saving Matt Flynn. Literally by tenths of a point. A hard lesson to learn, but a valuable one with plenty of time left in the season: Do not bench a Bears defensive player for ANYONE. Bears defensive players are averaging more points than starting running backs in this league. Why would you keep Tim Jennings on your bench when he’s going up against a pass whacky offense like Houston?
- It might not be a brutal benching, especially since I’ve never heard of the guy, but Andre Brown’s fourteen points was within the margin of victory for you The Big G. I know you’re busy planning the Australian Easter (see above), but that’s no excuse to shirk your fantasy owner responsibilities.
- I know Brian broke his hip, but what are the chances he suffered some head trauma in that car accident of his? Did the doctors even check? Maybe he’s at one of those Obamacare hospitals that are too busy converting their chapels into human sized furnaces to provide proper care to our concussed friend. This one’s free Brian: Antonio Brown is ruled out and Jeremy Maclin is very, very good. Adjust your roster accordingly.
Trophy Awards Just like a team banquet, except we’ll do it weekly! Why wait ’til the end of the season for some janky participation award when you can get snubbed here on a weekly basis? I won’t even make you wear a clip-on tie, or invite your slutty sister. Pot-lucks suck anyway. #DCGB is BYOB. Regular trophies are back!
- The Homer Trophy - goes to Cobb Me Maybe because, shrewdly, she started Mason Crosby in a blow out even though the Packers were on their bye-week. She lost (she was going to anyway), but she earned herself an extra five points for next week. Smart.
- The Brown Noser Trophy - Thanks to @midwestfan, @bakler5 and @laura722 for RTing last week’s election based #DCGB: So Much Hate post, but you guys aren’t in the league. After a little research, it turns out Lambeau-Feel-Me-Up beat Cobb Me Maybe by a nose. Congrats Thad.
- The Jaymelee1 Trophy - *no fights* this is harder to keep track of than I bargained for. But the real Jayme wrote a post this week. Apparently Aaron Rodgers Likes Girls. Who knew?
- The Chatty Cathy Trophy - Goes to Save Matt Flynn ’cause he’s the only one that even tried to communicate with anyone this week. Maybe I should count #DCGB mentions on Twitter..?
- The Cutlerfucked Trophy - ugh. I didn’t include concussions in the the Cutlerfucked criteria. Next year.
- Dunce Cap Trophy - Lambeau-Feel-Me-Up started Trent Richardson on his bye week. Cobb Me Maybe started Mason Crosby as previously mentioned. And James Starks of Winterfell started D’Qwell Jackson on his bye, and Antonio Brown even though he was ruled out. I know you’re in the hospital, but the you’ve earned the ultimate dunce cap Brian. I can’t not give it to you. But like I said in the previous paragraph, I think the doctors missed an obvious concussion diagnoses. I won’t hold this against you. Free advice: add a friend as a co-owner to manage your roster, or download the ESPN Fantasy Football app on your smart phone so you can thumb through roster adjustments while you sip apple juice and nibble on dry turkey sandwiches. Feel better ‘lil homie.